Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR21-30/hum025

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Date:         Sun, 6 Mar 1994 05:58:16 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00025"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR025
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:59:02 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Russian Jokes

>From: [e-mail] (Yury K. Kryschenko)
Organization: Mississippi State University

Gorbachev came to one Siberian village. The only one he saw there was
old, very old man. He asked this old man, where all the people were.
Old man answered that all of them are it taiga. Gorbachev asked him
to call people back, because he wants to talk to common people.
Old man took his gun and fired into air. In a half of an hour
several men appeared and asked old man:"what's the matter, did
somebody brought vodka"-"No, Gorbachev came". All men , disappointed,
go back to taiga. But Gorby was not satisfied with this and asks

old man to fire again. He did it and again, in a half of an hour,
several man appeared

"What's happening, did somebody brought vodka?"
"no, Gorbachev came"
"Did you missed the first time?"
----------------

Andropov, the head of Soviet Union after Brezhnev, had been dead
for 3 minutes. He was taken in Heavens and met Brznev there.
Andropov asked him: "What shall I take with me to heavens when
I'm completely dead?" and Breznew answered him "nothing, but
fork and spoon" "Why? " - said Andropov  - "You know"-
continued Brezhnew -"when Hitler is on duty in the kitchen,
he makes me and Khruschev eat with hammer and sickle"

----------------

Once a communist party functioner came to collective farm
and tald farmers about the life in next 20-30 years, when
communism will be built. He says: "Ewereyone of you will
have your own helicopter or plane". "Why do we need it?"
- asked one old woman. "don't you understand? let's say
they have no bread in the store near you. You get into
your plane, and go to Moscow!"

----------------
>From: [e-mail]
Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology

"I like collecting jokes about myself."  Says Carter to Brezhnev. "I
have already collected three volumes."

"I also enjoy collecting jokes about myself."  Answers Brezhnev. "I
have already collected three full prisons."

And one more:

Q: What would happen if communists conquered the Sahara?
A: Nothing for the first five years, and then they would run out of sand.
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 12:58:54 -0400
From:         "Brian K. Auger" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Difference between (both vulgar & insensitive)

What is the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epilectic
oysterman?

Well---one shucks between fits...



Brian K. Auger                          [e-mail]
Montgomery County Department of Public Libraries
ROCKVILLE REGIONAL LIBRARY
99 Maryland Avenue                      301 217 3857
Rockville, Maryland  USA 20850          301 217 3931 (fax)
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 13:36:59 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clintonomics

Did you hear the President's speech last night where he was promoting his new
budget? Great stuff. He balances it by taxing us retroactively, and the tax
cuts don't come until 1997. (Didn't I see this done in Time Square with a pea
and three shells?) Hey, I like this Clinton stuff.  Let's apply it to Congress
as well. My incumbent can count on my vote, as long as it's not counted before
the tax cuts take effect in 1997, otherwise he can take his retirement, retro-
actively.
                                --Ed Johnson
                                  University of Alabama
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 12:19:46 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      gates humor (G)

From:   SMTP%"[e-mail]"  4-AUG-1993 12:16:32.19
To:     JAMES
CC:
Subj:   Humor: More tastefull Gates Humor, OK so don't read it.

Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 12:07:30 PDT
Sender:       IBM OS/2 Unedited Discussion List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Bruce A. Miller (x2380)" <[e-mail]
Subject:      Humor: More tastefull Gates Humor, OK so don't read it.
To:           Multiple recipients of list OS2-L <[e-mail]>

Got the following passed on from Source Unknown.  OK, so its not
as amusing as Adaptech adaptors or some such.  Just send your complaints
direct to me..
===========
Monday morning God decided that the world had reached the point of no return.
So, he called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to the gates of
heaven.  He informed them of his decision and told them to go back to their
people and prepare them for the end of the world on Thursday.

Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he has bad
news and worse news.  After decades of telling the Soviet citizens that there
is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong.  He has seen God with his own
eyes.  Worse yet, God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to
prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.

Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news and bad
news.  After centuries of telling the US citizens that there is a God, he has
proof that we've been right.  He has seen God with his own eyes.  But the bad
news is that God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to
prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.

Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting.  He says that he has wonderful news and
even more wonderful news.  God, by calling him to the gates of heaven with the
leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world, has just confirmed how
important Bill Gates really is.  The even better news is that on Thursday, IBM
will stop shipping OS/2.

----------- End Forwarded Message -----------
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 15:49:18 EST
From:         Peter Greenberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Commuter Joke (inoffensive)

Two commuters see each other every day on the train station for 14 years and
have never said a word to each other.  Finally, one commuter addresses the
other:  "You know, for 14 years, we see each other every day and we've never
once spoken."

Other commuter says, "You're right.  That really is terrible.  So, tell me,
how are you?"

First commuter says, "Oy, don't ask!"
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 14:41:57 MST
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Final Cut (R)

From Entertainment Weekly magazine:

By now everyone has heard about the Manassas, Va., man whose
wife, claiming he had raped her, cut off his penis with a
kitchen knife.  A team of surgeons successfully re-attached
the offending member, but there's an even happier outcome:
Now the unidentified spouses are trying to sell TV-movie
rights to the story.  Naturally, they're going to need a
title, and, for their consideration, Entertainment Weekly
would like to make a few suggestions:

Cutter and Bone
Bye Bye Birdie
Farewell My Lovely
She's Gotta Have It
Divorce American Style
Little Man Tate
Return of the Pink Panther
Poetic Justice
Pee-Wee's Big Adventure
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
You Can't Take It With You
Where's Poppa?
Free Willy
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 19:31:30 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: My favorite limerick- Offensive to Most!

Beth Woodell's limerick reminds me of my favorite:

Betty Sue's masturbational style
Was enhanced by Frenchified guile.
She used a weiner;
It was neater and cleaner.
Now, she's a confirmed francophile.

Lee Bradley
Assistant Professor of -- you guessed it! -- French
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 17:22:05 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      boreland -- this may be true! (adult language)

Subj:   Brain behind Borland's most popular C++ compiler laid off !

Date: Wed, 4 Aug 93 13:54:20 PDT
From: [e-mail] (Jules Damji)

--Microsoft must have an insider at Borland to find out so quickly.

Talk about fuck ups!


Subj:   Brain behind Borland's most popular C++ compiler laid off !

* ---------------------------------------------
* From PCWeek July 13, 1993
*
* During a round of lay-offs at Borland recently, the man behind the
* company's slick new C++ compiler was surprised and more than a little
* miffed to get a letter saying that his was one of the heads to roll. So
* he packed his bags and made for the car park. Days later, Borland's
* personnel dept realized that there had been a minor administrative error.
* They hadn't meant to sack the most technially brilliant chap at the
* company after all - just someone with the same surname. Philip Kahn got
* on the phone in person offering copious apologies and an even fatter
* salary than ever if he were to agree to return.
*
* "F**K you - Microsoft called 2 hours after I left. I start on Monday,"
* came the reply.
*
********
an update to the Borland story.....

From: Denis Gilbert(Microsoft)

I can help clear this up:

The article is referring to Sin Lew, the lead who almost
single-handedly wrote the Bore-land 32-bit optimizer and back end,
shipping in Borland's OS/2 product and currently holding up their NT
product. He was laid off in December and, yes, I was on the phone
within the hour and hired him.

He's the lead on our PowerPC compiler project and really smoking.
Because of his contribution, we'll be demoing MS Apps running native on
Mac/PowerPC the day Apple announces their new systems.

This, in my opinion, ranks as one of Borland's biggest fuck-ups ever.

* * *
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 20:24:10 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      some humorous advice for lovers

Don't keep telling the lady you are unworthy of her. Let is be a
complete surprise. (Catskill Mountain News of Margaretville, NY)

Cupid's darts hurt more coming out than going in. (Arizona Silver Belt,
Miami Arizona)

A sensible girl is more sensible than she looks, because a sensible girl
is too sensible to look sensible. (Tribune, Chanute, Kansas)

Our high school junior girl, who really settled down during the last
semester to improve her mind, says she's sorry she did, because most of
the boys she knows began to seem stupid. (Graphic, Lake City, Iowa)

The moon not only pulls the ocean back and forth in the tides, but it
stops cars on side roads. (Farmer's Press, Towner, N.D.)

==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 21:41:52 EST
From:         Herman Archie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pygmies & women <very crude, cute double pun>

What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's
track team?

Well, a tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning little runts! :-)
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 23:03:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      letter to congressman/one bad word

I was rooting through some files, and came across this photocopy of what
appears to be a letter to a congressman from an elderly lady...

Dear Congressman Tyler:

        I want to thank you for helping me get my increase in my S.S.I.
payment.  I had enough money left last month to buy me a radio.  It is so
much company to me.  I have been here in the Stockton nursing home since my
dear husband passed away 3 years ago.  I never have any visitors so my new
radio means a lot to me.  Mrs. Pearl Carnes, who lives in the next room,
has had a radio since she came here 2 years ago but she would never let me
listen to it.  She is 85 years old and I will be 83 March 3.  Lask week,
her radio fell off the table and broke and she asked me if she could listen
to mine and I said fuck you.

                        Sincerely yours & may God bless you,

                                        Maud Davis

***
Shirl
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 07:15:01 EDT
From:         Just For Laughs <[e-mail]>
Subject:      personal growth

One person's personal growth is often another's yeast infection.

When passing by aerobics classes I often think that clothes do
make the man, but spandex makes the woman.
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 08:03:10 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <[e-mail]>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      Church joke

A man in a small mountain church in Southern Appalachia had "pleasured
hisself" with a woman of the town, and the members of the congregation
gathered to decide whether or not to "church" him.  They met all afternoon,
one group arguing to throw him out and the other arguing to forgive him.

Finally one old woman in the back of the church stood up.  "Brethern" and
sistern," she said, "I've been a member of this church for forty years.  All
it's ever been around here is fornicate and forgive, fornicate and forgive,
fornicate and forgive.  And I'm telling you I'm tired of being the one that's
always a'doin' the forgivin'!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 08:24:21 -0500
From:         David Gamble <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumpersticker

Saw this one on a car the other day.

        "Defeat Hillary in '96"
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 10:37:00 GMT
From:         David French <[e-mail]>
Subject:      dyslexics

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac ?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

----------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper ?
He sold his soul to Santa.

==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:39:20 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lesbian (rated R)

Q. What makes the lesbian to climb up the wall?
A. A crack in the ceiling.
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 11:22:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      still one more sign!  :)  (G)

notice on the wall in a physics lab:

do not look directly into
laser with remaining eye!

be seeing you,

oxo
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 10:13:05 -0700
From:         EMMA <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Employment Joke (Some language)

Preface to joke:
Around 1985-86 our district brought in a consulting firm to
evaluate positions and salaries and to make recommendations. A
FEW employees benefited. The MAJORITY lost future step
advancements and/or had their jobs reduced to a lower pay level.
As a reaction, this memo was circulated via email among
employees. Hope you enjoy this.
***********
TO      ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES
FROM    GOVERNING BORED
DATE    22 APR 1986

1.      As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must
drastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement,
thus permitting management to focus its abuse on younger
employees who represent our future.

2.      Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the
end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed
into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE
(Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be
given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system at
greatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program is
called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

3.      All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply
for a new re- employment eligibility service. This service will
be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Current regulations state that employees may only
be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as
many times as management deems appropriate.

4.      If an employee meets all of the above requirements,
he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired
Persons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan
since the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED by
management. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for Immediate
Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications,
one should only request this service once.

5.      Employees can enhance their retention prospects by
signing up for additional training. It is now and always has been
the policy of management to ensure all employees are well trained
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have given
our employees more SHIT than any other organization in the
country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough
SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is
especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT you
can stand.

6.      To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, only
upper-management and their selected brown-noses will be given
raises and exempt status from the above programs.

             Yu Bien Haad
             MCCCD GOVERNING BORED

P.S.    We in upper management would like to once again applaud
the HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study;
heck, we couldn't have paid anyone to make up a better report!


*****************
Emma Walters

Computer and Instructional Technology Services
Scottsdale Community College            Walters@scc
9000 E. Chaparral                       [phone]
Scottsdale, AZ 85250                    [phone] FAX
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 11:51:14 -0700
From:         Mary Anne Duggan <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumper sticker

     Even though I am a teacher, I found this one to be really funny.  In my
area, it is not uncommon to see bumper stickers that read something like
this:
      "My child is an honor student at Adams Elementary!"

      I was driving behind this beat up old truck with a bumper sticker which
read:
      "My kid beat up your honor student!"

Mary Anne Duggan            CXOZI@ASUACAD
Arizona State University       "Life is what happens while you're busy
Counselor Education Program     making other plans."
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:08:18 -0400
From:         Brett Malone <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumper Sticker jokes. (Clean)

If I read another stupid bumper sticker joke, I'll puke.

(Hey, maybe that should be a bumper sticker.)

Brett Malone
Virginia Tech
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 13:19:45 -0700
From:         Brian Rawlings <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ashes to Ashes

You know you have a bad funeral director when he replaces your
dead relative's ashes with Folgers Crystals. --

Brian Rawlings
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:43:00 EDT
From:         Alex Leary <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top ten ways to annoy your room-mate!

Date sent:  5-AUG-1993 15:39:54
A friend passed this along:
     #10 Put all your socks and underwear in his closet and accuse
him of stealing them.
     #9  Put twinkies in the bottom of a trash can; when you get
hungry, dig through the trash to get something to eat.

#8 If your room-mate takes the trash out before you get hungry,
demand he reimburse you.

#7 Levitate.... When your room-mate turns to see, fall back down
in your chair.

#6 Turn your computer on when your not using it, and off when you
are using it.

#5 Subscribe to Field & Stream; pretend to masturbate while
reading them.

#4 Array twelve toothbrushes on your dresser... refuse to discuss
them.

#3  Just before your room-mate falls asleep, ask a question that
starts

#2  Handcuff yourself to his bedpost and demand he bring you food.

#1  Collect dog shit in baby food bottles.... arrange them on a
shelf according to what you think the dog ate.



-----al
  _________________________________________________________________________
  US Snail Mail      + E-Mail                         +  Intern Reporter:
  Alex Leary         + --------SUNY Cortland-------   +   The Cortland
  35 Delaware Ave    +        Learyj@snycorva         +  Sunday Democrat
  Cortland, NY 13045 +     SNYCORVA.CORTLAND.EDU      + ------------------
  ==== + ========= +     News desk:
  Potsdam College    +  ****** [phone] ******  +   [phone]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     "I wanna be on top. Forever on the up and damn the competition."
  -------------------------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 13:48:34 -0600
From:         Chester Hodges <[e-mail]>
Subject:      country joke (may offend Billy Ray Cyrus fans)

Garth Brooks and Billy Ray Cyrus are captured by terrorists.
They are brought up in front of a firing line.  The head terrorist asks
Billy Ray Cyrus for any last requests.  To which Billy replies "Well, I sure
would like to sing _Achy Breaky Heart_ jus' one more time!"  The head terrorist
says "fair enough".
The head terrorist then asks Garth Brooks the same question.  And Garth answers
"shot me first!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:46:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Bumpersticker

Saw this one on a car this very afternoon:

Protect the easily offended.  Ban everything!

Shirl
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 14:56:28 -0700
From:         PRATT DAVID <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Gilligans Theme Song

This version is directly from the CD containing many themes to TV classics

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
a tale of a fateful trip,
that started from this tropic port,
aboard this tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailin' man,
the Skipper brave and sure,
five passengers set sail that day,
for a three hour tour,
a three hour tour.

The weather started getting rough,
the tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
the Minnow would be lost.
The Minnow would be lost.

The ship aground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle
with Gilligan,
the Skipper too.
A millionaire and his wife,
a movie star,
the proffessor and Mary Ann,
here on Gilligan's Isle.

(Ending verse)

So this is the tale of our castaways,
there here for a long long time.
They'll have to make the best of things,
it's an uphill climb.
The first mate and his Skipper too
will do their very best,
to make the others comf'terble
in their tropic island nest.
No phone ,no lights, no motor car,
not a single luxury
like Robinson Crusoe
it's primitive as can be.
So join us here each week my friends,
you're sure to get a smile,
from seven stranded castaways
here on Gilligan's Isle!

==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 17:30:17 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The same act for different purpose <Mulla speaks>

This is another humorous lesson taught through the Sufi teacher (Mulla
Nasrudin).  These stories are more like one of Aesop's fables than a
joke.  Several people have written to say that they have recognized
some of these stories as Yiddish.  I've noticed that too.  Culturally
and geographically, it shouldn't be surprising that Jews, Arabs, and
Persians (Iranians) would share some similar art forms.

Now the story:

BLOWING ON HIS HAND

  Nasrudin is visited by a would-be disciple.  The man, after many
vicissitudes, arrives at the hut on the mountain side where the
Mulla is sitting.  Knowing that every single action of the
illuminated Sufi is meaningful, the newcomer asks Nasrudin why he
is blowing on his hands.  "To warm myself in the cold, of course."

  Shortly afterward, Nasrudin pours out two bowls of soup, and
blows on his own.  "Why are you doing that, Master?" asks the
disciple.  "To cool it, course," says the teacher.

  At this point the disciple leaves Nasrudin, unable to trust any
longer a man who uses the same process to arrive a different
resutls--heat and cold.
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:38:00 MDT
From:         "Chris Reinhart [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lawyer bashing (PG)

Here is my favorite lawyer basing joke as told to me by a relative
(who happens to be a lawyer):
        There were three surgeons at a cocktail party discussing their
work.  The first surgeon says "I like working on accountants because
all of their parts are numbered".  The second surgeon says "I like
working on artists because all of their parts are color coded."  The
third surgeon says "I like working on lawyers because they only have
two parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they're interchangeable!"

Chris Reinhart
Univ. of Colorado at Denver
Auraria Library
Denver, CO
IN%"[e-mail]"
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 17:53:49 -0500
From:         "I thought therefore I was." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Barney episodes

               BARNEY EPISODES WE'D LIKE TO SEE
                    (BUT PROBABLY WON'T!)

"BARNEY GETS A BONER"
"BARNEY'S NIGHT WITH MADONNA"
"BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD"
"JURASSIC BARNEY"
"BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN"
"BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS"
"BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER"
"BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG"
"PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO"
"BOPPING BABY BOP"
"BARNEY'S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS"
"BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET"
"BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA"
"BARNEY ON A BENDER"
"BARNEY HAS NEEDS..."
"BARNEY AT BETTY FORD"
"BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS"
"BARNEY'S BIG PURPLE ONE"
"BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL"


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
 NOTE:  No one assumes responsibility for this drivel and we're not
        even sure where it came from (rumors are that it was left on
        our doorstep by a large yellow bird, who ran away shouting
        something about "that overstuffed purple b*stard!").
        Anyway, aspiring writers should send their creations for
        inclusion in this list to:  [e-mail]

7-14-93
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 19:59:16 EDT
From:         Tom Murray <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lawyer Jokes (Questionable)

Here is my favorite lawyer joke passed on to me by my Aunt who
works with the lushes all day long.

  Q:  Why do lawyers button their shirts all the way up?
  A:  So their foreskin doesn't come up over their heads!

==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 17:17:15 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.3  -  A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

Bumper Snickers:

On the left corner of the bumper there was a sticker saying:
        "Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy"
On the right corner of the bumper there was a sticker saying:
        "Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy"

LEMMINGS DON'T GROW OLDER, THEY JUST DIE
Speed Pays -- the doctor, the hospital, the mortuary.
Illiterate?  Write for free help.
MY  OTHER  CAR  IS  A  REAL  OTA
ONE SOVIET INVASION CAN RUIN YOUR WHOLE DAY

Seen near the Stanford Linear Accelerator:
        Beware of Quantum Ducks, Quark! Quark!
Support mental health, or I'll kill you!
Help Stamp Out Intolerance!
I'm not FOR apathy and I'm not AGAINST it.

I'VE BEEN TO THE SHOP THAT SELLS BUMPER STICKERS
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
JazzerSleep
FIGHT ORGANIZED CRIME, STAMP OUT THE IRS
I cannot be fired. Slaves have to be sold

ESCHEW OBFUSCATION
The highway of life is always under construction
DOES THE NAME PAVLOV RING A BELL?
WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES NOW GO HOME
DO LOS ANGELES A FAVOR. WHEN YOU LEAVE, TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU.

I love, I owe, so off to work I go.
WARP 6 A Law We Can Live With
The San Diego Freeway.... Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
THE  TROUBLE  WITH POLITICAL JOKES IS THEY  GET ELECTED.
THE BEST THING TO SPEND ON YOUR CHILDREN IS TIME

I HATE BUMPER STICKERS
SUPPORT YOUR RIGHT TO ARM BEARS!
Also seen: IBM PC's eat Apples!
IGNORE APATHY
Seen on a plummer's truck:
   In my business, a flush beats a full house.
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 23:38:59 EST
From:         "Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humorous advice to scholars <esoteria>

HOW TO WRITE A PROPERLY SCHOLARLY ARTICLE by Gerald M. Phillips
(Copyright USA 1979) published here with permission.

When I was a lad, I served a stint,
As editor of a journal in print,
I fixed the commas, corrected the words
  And made sense out of assorted sherds.
  I cleansed the stuff in all its nooks,
And now I am the author of forty-four books.

(Apologies to Admiral Sir Joseph Porter)

    If you wish to succeed in threading your way through the
academic labyrinths, you must learn to turn a neat phrase, a neat
ankle, else turn over a new leaf.  As that noted sage, Sir Basil
Metabolism was wont to remark, "It does not suffice to be soporific
alone, for doing that office is oft an eleemosynary enterprise.
One must learn prolixity, obfuscation, attentuation and art of
sesquipedalianism."  (Book of Academic Encrustation, University of
West Wombat, 1906).

    Now, witnesses to history, you may observe the unveiling of the
cornucopia of cunning and craft, known as PUTZ (Phillips' Universal
Taxonomic Zones), the proper use of which will earn you academic
credibility so long as you observe the formula throughout your
essays, assuming that all phrases are comprehensible to all and
sundry.

    You can use PUTZ merely by constructing concepts.  Choose one
word at random from columns A, B, & C.  Do this twice and connect
the two phrases with an appropriate verb (maximizes, enhances,
accretes, synthesizes, incubete, fertilizes, inseminates, obscures,
deflorates, etc.)  Verb selection will be explained in full in our
next bulletin called DRIVEL (Diversified Rudimentary Individualized
Verb Eleemosynary Lexicon.)

                    THE PUTZ LIST
Col A                  Col B                  Col C

universally            pragmatic               archetype
parametric             practical               paradigm
phenomenological       adaptive                demographic
innovative             universal               presentation
creative               efficient               prognosis
future-oriented        fanciful                forecast
statistical            visionary               strategic plan
contemporary           hard-headed             criticism
precedental            businesslike            hypothesis
imaginative            constructive            theory
productive             rhetorical              principle
deconstructionist      politically correct     manifesto
original               epistemic               interpretation
inventive              architectonic           heuristic
ingenuous              derivative              adjudication
behavioral             sophisticated           structure
generative             user-friendly           dimension
heuristic              deconstructionist       empowerment
interpersonally        correlated              generalization
functionally           confounded              epitome
meaningful             cognitive               orientation
co-oriented            synergistic             construct
empathetically         affective               concept
empirical              multivariate            design
scientific             technological           application
dialectical            analytical              synthesis
Freudian               expressive              finding

Note that words in columns A & B can be interchanged merely by
putting words in column A into adjective form and making adverbs
out of the words in Column B.  Leave column C alone, PUTZ.

==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 08:13:07 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Brit/US joke.

From a radio program:

"Relations between Britain and the U.S plummet after the John Major
 tells Bill C that,
         'The best buzz I had was watching Chelsea score'. "

Derryck.

For US: (Chelsea = soccer team)
For UK: (score = rampant Sex)
For non-political: (Chelsea = Clinton's daughter)
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 09:47:01 METDST
From:         "Ing. Jan Kucera" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      3 limericks

The limericks that appeared on the HUMOR mailing list recently reminded me of
my favourites:

There was a young lady of Darjeeling         There was a young lady of Dhaka
Who danced with such an exquisite feeling    Who had an affair with a darkie.
  There was never a sound                      The result of her sins
  For miles around                             Were quadruplets - not twins -
Save for fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.    Two black, one white and one khaki.

And a completely decent one:

There was a young lady of Niger
Who went for a ride on a tiger.
  They returned from the ride
  With the lady inside
And a smile on the face of the tiger.

By the way - how about creating a specialized limerick mailing list?
If there is an interest, I would organize it. Please mail me, who would
subscribe.
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 08:07:39 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Agric. Joke (PG/R) & Bumper Sticker

Hope this hasn't appeared on the list before, but here goes:

A rookie farm inspector passed by a farm one spring day and
decided to pay the owner a visit.  He got out of his car,
introduced himself, and said that he would like to make an
inspection.

About fifteen minutes later, he came back to the farmer and said,
"Hey, I noticed you have a nice crop of honeysuckle growing on
your land.  Mind if I get some honey?"  The farmer, surprised at
the man's stupidity, said, "No, I don't mind," and he laughed
as the inspector went off on his journey.

A little while later, the inspector returned with three jars
filled with pure honey, thanked the farmer, and drove off.  The
farmer couldn't believe what he'd just seen.

About a month went by, and the inspector returned again.  This
time, he told the farmer that during the inspection he had
noticed some milkweed on the property and asked if he could get
some milk.  The farmer, thinking this can't happen twice, allowed
him to proceed.  Sure enough, a few minutes later, the inspector
came back with several gallons of fresh milk.  The farmer just
stared in disbelief.

Towards the end of the summer, the inspector came by once more to
visit the farmer.  The farmer thought, "Oh, no.  Now what's he
going to find?!"  The inspector walked up to the farmer and said,
"Say, the last time I was here I noticed a beautiful grove of
pussywillow..."

"Wait," said the farmer, "I'm coming with you!"

----------------------

Bumper sticker seen on several cars in the D.C. area:

Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
----------------------

Bye for now!
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 13:44:21 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      shamus joke

A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around
the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
functionaries, and there's a joke about that:

A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!". The cantor,
not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The shamus,  deeply moved,  follows suit and cries,  "Oh,
Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
"Now look who thinks he's nobody!"

==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 13:45:42 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      motor insurance claims

        27 WAYS TO CONVINCE YOUR MOTOR INSURANCE AGENT
        ----------------------------------------------

-The other car collided with mine, without giving warning of it's intentions.

-I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand
 through it.

-I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

-A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.

-A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

-In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

-I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal
 joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.

-As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared to stop
 in time to avoid the accident.

-To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

-My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

-An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished.

-I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the
 street when I struck him.

-I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a
 ditch by some stray cows.

-The telephone pole was approaching fast, I attempted to swerve out of
 it's way, when it struck the front of my car.

-I hit a bus stop sign which was obscured by people.

-The gentleman behing me struck me on the backside.  He then went to rest
 in the bush with just his rear end showing.

-When I saw that I could not avoid collision, I stepped on the accelerator
 and subsequently crashed into the other car.

-The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the
 corner without giving any signal.

-The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid
 by steering it into the other vehicle.

-I had been learning to drive with power steering, I turned the wheel to
 what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going
 in the opposite direction.

-The direct cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
 a big mouth.

-Coming home I drove in the wrong house and collided with a tree I
 don't have.

-The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve many times before
 I hit him.

-I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
 headed over the embankment.

-I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.
 As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my view,
 and I didn't see the other car.

-I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat I found
 that I had fractured my skull.

-The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 08:50:53 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rated G

There was this little boy named johnny.  Johnny's mom was having a baby.
Johnny would go into school everyday and tell the teacher; my mommy's
gonna have a baby, my mommy's gonna have a baby.

This went on until about six months into the pregnancy, everyday, so the
teacher asks Johnny when is the baby coming.  He tells her that he
doesn't know, he only knows mommy's having a baby.  So the teacher tell's
Johnny's mom this and asks her to explain.

Johnny comes home one day and his mother approaches him and says Johnny
feel my stomach, do you feel that.  He says yes.  She says that is the
baby in there.

Well a month goes by and Johnny never once mentioned the baby to his
teacher.  she was a little concerned and asked Johnny when is the baby
coming.  Johnny says there ain't gonna be no baby.  The teacher in horror
asks why not and Johnny says, "cause mommy ate it."
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 11:20:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Final Cut theme songs (PG)

I am taking nominations for theme songs for the probable TV movie about
the guy whose wife cut off his penis.

So far we have the following:

Cuts like a Knife
The First Cut is the Deepest
Bad to the Bone
(You Gotta Be) Cruel to Be Kind

Any others you can think of?
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 11:30:59 EDT
From:         "Tanya J. Utt" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Final Cut theme songs (PG)

=) I am taking nominations for theme songs for the probable TV movie about
=) the guy whose wife cut off his penis.
=)
=) Cuts like a Knife
=) The First Cut is the Deepest
=) Bad to the Bone
=) (You Gotta Be) Cruel to Be Kind


Ding-a-ling
Hold Your Head Up
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 11:32:00 -0400
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Yet Another Bumper Sticker...

The following was seen in Pittsburgh, PA in the late seventies:

NUKE A GAY WHALE FOR JESUS
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 11:49:58 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Professional singing

I just got the latest First Call CD, "Somethin' takes over". The
title song is a *very* fast Roarin' 20s-style gadzillion-words-per-
minute piece. Right after the printed lyrics and "who played what
instrument" section, it says:

        These vocals were done by trained
        professionals. It is not recommended that
        you try this except in the privacy of your
        own home.

I guess First Call doesn't want to be sued if your horrible rendition
drives someone bonkers 8-)
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 12:28:14 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      (Sick) What toppings would you like?

What kind of toppings would you like?
Now! NEW TOPPING AVAILABLE! Call now, King Pizza!
        Jeffrey Dahlmer Special!

[Note: human remains were found in the oven of King Pizza,
Surrey, BC on Thu, 5 Aug 93]
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 16:26:00 GMT
From:         Stuart Podell <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Final Cut theme songs (PG)

What is that song that goes:

  Little Willy Willy won't go home.....
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 13:09:35 EDT
From:         Daryl Robinson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      rednecks

I heard this early this morning on a local radio station.

You might be considered a redneck if:

People come to your door because it looks like you're having a yard sale.
You finance a tattoo.
You make change in the offering plate.
You go to the family reunion to meet women.
When you hear "say no to crack" you pull your jeans up.
If you mow your yard and you find a car.
Your dog and wallet are on chains.

Have a great day and weekend!!!
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 13:27:22 -0400
From:         Stan Planton <[e-mail]>

RE: Final cut theme songs(PG)
Some others of note:
"A Big Hunk of Love"  (Elvis, ca. 1959)
"Doctor! Doctor" (Thompson Twins, ca 1980s)
"Great Balls of Fire" (Jerry Lee Lewis)
"King of Pain" (Police, ca 1980)
"Lonesome Loser" (Little River Band)
"Method of Modern Love" (Hall and Oates)
"Moments to Remember" (Four Lads?)
"The Best of My Love" (Eagles)
or even
"Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes" (Jimmy Buffett)

Stan Planton
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 11:12:48 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.3  -  A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

----------------------------------------------------

Buttons Seen at SF Cons

Shift to the left, shift to the right, Push down, pop up, byte, byte, byte!
Planetary Engineer Fjords a speciality
I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere
Speaker to Enzymes <worn by a biochemist>
Even puppeteers have enemies

Freedom - It is our worship-word!
Incorrigible punster Do not incorrige
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations

-----------------------------------------------------------------

From T-Shirts:

Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.
I'm not playing hard to get, I am hard to get.
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
What's a nice person like me doing in a place like this?

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Don't be humble. You're not that great.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
Reality police.

Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
Better dead than mellow.
It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many stations anymore.
I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality.
I used to be an adult before I grew up.
Don't ask me any questions. I just might tell you the truth.

You can live outside the law, but you must be honest.
If you're not an idealist at 20 you have no heart, but if you're still an
idealist at 30 you have no head.
What you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying.
If its worth doing it's worth doing for money.

I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble delegate.
Mama told me there'd be years like these.
Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
Are you making this up as you go along?
Once you accept his assumptions even a madman seems reasonable.
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 14:23:18 -0400
From:         Mike Shockley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humor from comics (1 lawyer)

Saw these two in the comics today:  :)

Wizard of ID:
Attorney to king:  "My client pleads temporary insanity".
King:  "That's tough!...He could have picked *any* attorney!!".



Jon to Garfield:  "Would you say I'm witty?"
Garfield:  "I would if you paid me!  For food you could be
            hilarious!".  :)


Mike  "I used to give a damn.  Now I sell them!" Shockley
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 12:28:42 -0600
From:         "Computer Center Ext. 6839" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Final Cut

Cutting Edge
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 08:43:03 -0800
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Bumper sticker

My favorite bumper sticker is:

YOU CAN'T HUG YOUR KIDS WITH NUCLEAR ARMS

Larry Richards, Manager, University Computing Labs
Eastern Washington University
Internet: [e-mail]
Phone: [phone]  US Mail: Mail Stop 89, Cheney, WA 99004
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 15:30:55 EDT
From:         Pedro Valdes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bumper sticker

I saw this one the other day:

PRESERVE THE WILD LIFE.. THROW A PARTY!!
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 15:37:39 -0500
From:         Julie Kotok <[e-mail]>
Subject:      R-rated/offensive to some women

This is best told by a striaght male or gay female.
This was told to me be a freind in a strip bar:
HE said "Did you know that over 85% of women in America are battered?"
I naively answered "Oh, really"
He answers "And I've been eating them raw all this time ."

==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 15:49:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Theme songs summarized (PG)

Nominations for theme songs for the probable TV movie about the guy whose wife
cut off his penis, which was later reattached (to her relief?!?), follow in no
particular order. These made "the final cut" in the judging.

Good job, HUMORists!

A Big Hunk of Love               -  Elvis
Bad to the Bone                  -  George Thorogood
Cuts like a Knife                -  Bryan Adams
The First Cut is the Deepest     -  Rod Stewart
(You Gotta Be) Cruel to Be Kind  -  ??
My Ding-a-Ling                   -  Chuck Berry
Hold Your Head up                -  Focus(?)
Achey Breakey Part <sic>         -  Billy Ray Cyrus
Doctor! Doctor!                  -  Thompson Twins
Great Balls of Fire              -  Jerry Lee Lewis
King of Pain                     -  Police
Lonesome Loser                   -  Little River Band
Method of Modern Love            -  Hall and Oates
The Best of my Love              -  Eagles
It's Hard                        -  The Who
Cutting Edge                     -  ??

Please mail further suggestions directly to Rich Carl, [e-mail]. Thanks!
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 15:59:31 EDT
From:         Arthur Emerson III <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumper Sticker

(Warning: I'm sure neither of these bumper stickers is NRA approved.)


Two bumper stickers that I saw a few years ago on the same car:

   (1) Won't it be great when educational institutions have all the money
       they need, and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new
       bomber?

(Well, I guess half of it is coming true.....)    :-(

   (2) Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 15:25:00 -05
From:         Rosie Barger <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: lIMERICK

From one of my daughters poem books (many moons ago)

There was an old man from Blackheath
Who sat on his set of false teeth
Said he with a start
Oh my, bless my heart
I've bitten myself underneath.

Rosie
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 17:19:45 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      rated PG  Lawyer Joke

     For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
     "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
     "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

                                       __
Dawn Shotts                           /  )
[e-mail]           /  / __.  , , , ____
                                    /__/_(_/|_(_(_/_/ / <_
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 17:21:02 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumper Sticker

My all time favorite:

Life is too short to dance with fat men!!!

                                       __
Dawn Shotts                           /  )
[e-mail]           /  / __.  , , , ____
                                    /__/_(_/|_(_(_/_/ / <_
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 18:14:21 -0400
From:         "Brian K. Auger" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      sorry-full bumpersticker

Pillory Hillary

==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 18:19:12 -0400
From:         "Brian K. Auger" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Final cut theme songs

How about "Stiletto" (Billy Joel).

==========
Date:         Sat, 7 Aug 1993 03:46:56 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      t-shirt

Pleeease LORD let me prove to you that wining the lottery will not spoil me

Life is too short to drink cheap wine...

james
==========
Date:         Sat, 7 Aug 1993 08:17:51 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Blessing in disguise <Mulla>

A BLESSING IN DISGUISE

  "My master taught me to spread the word that mankind will never
be fulfilled until the man who has not been wronged is as indignant
about a wrong as the man who actually has been wronged."

  The assembly is momentarily impressed.  Then Nasrudin speaks:

  "My master taught me that nobody at all should become indignant
about anything until he is sure that what he thinks is a wrong is
in fact a wrong--and not a blessing in disguise!"
==========
Date:         Sat, 7 Aug 1993 16:55:38 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Multiple weddings

A man marry one of three sisters. Unfortunatelly, within a year or so she dies
and he calls her parents to tell how terribly sorry he feels. Then he asks if
he could marry their second daughter. Well, they can't blaim him for being a
bad husband to their child and they let him to have the second sister. Again,
she prematurely passes away leaving him a widower, he calls his wife's parents
to tell them what happened and asks if they wouldn't let him to marry their
third daughter, what they do.
After a short period of time, the man calls the parents and says:
"You will laugh but your third daughter had died, too!"

Saul (Munich)
==========
Date:         Sat, 7 Aug 1993 22:54:54 EST
From:         Herman Archie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Navy humor <salty>

There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet.  He would make a
bet on anything and he would always win.  His shipmates were continually
losing their money to him, making them very irritated.

The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship.  The next day
the boy was transferred, and less than 15 minutes after boarding the ship, the
boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had hemorrhoids.  The
new Captain had just gotten a physical and knew he had no hemorrhoids, so he
agreed to the bet.  The boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend
over.  The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick
up the Captain's ass.  The sailor found no hemorrhoids and paid the Captain 50
bucks.  The new Captain thought this was great and wanted to call the boy's
old Captain and tell him.

When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken 50
dollars from the boy.  The old Captain replied, "How?"

"Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had hemorrhoids.  I knew I didn't
so I bet him.  He told me to drop my drawers and bend over.  When I did, he
shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no hemorrhoids.  Fifty bucks I won."

The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch!  Before he left here he bet me
500 dollars that within hour he would have a broomstick shoved up your ass!"


==========
Date:         Sat, 7 Aug 1993 23:27:43 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Mottos

In a 1985 article by Calvin Trillin, he presented a number of
interesting mottos for various people, organization, and places. Here
are a few of his along with contributions from your contributor.

Akron, Ohio (Preferable to Youngstown)
American Association of Motto-Makers (Perspicacious pithiness prized)
Arkansas (Not as bad as you might imagine) (Not so bad)
Bill Clinton (America's greatest switch hitter)
Dan Quayle (Proof that any handsome rich boy can grow up to be
   President)
Edwin Meese (Never been indicted)
Florida (Condo heaven)
Greenpeace (There would be more plants if there were fewer plants)
Hollywood (Where the superficial is deep)
International Brotherhood of Pants Pressers (Strike while the iron is
   hot)
Minneapolis (Home of the late April slush)
National Association of Manufacturers (No taxation without
   depreciation)
Nebraska (A long way across)
Oklahoma (Oklahoma is okay)
Public schools (Achievement by the calibre)
Republican Party (We do our best for the best)
Robert Dole (Proving government doesn't work)
Ross Perot (You can tell that he listens)
Rush Limbaugh (Why settle for a windbag when you can have a hurricane)
University of Alabama (Gee whiz, we have a school our football team
   is sorta proud of)

==========
Date:         Sun, 8 Aug 1993 17:39:17 -0500
From:         Leo Anderson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Telephone songs.

Date sent:  8-AUG-1993 17:37:53


                THE CANONICAL LIST OF PHONE SONGS

                           Version 1.0
                      Last Updated: 6/20/93
    Maintained by Keith Maddock (pchaos![e-mail])
        See contribution guidelines at the end of the file

     The numbers in parentheses preceding each one lined song
corresponds to the contributor from the listing at the end of the
                              file.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


            Commas are pauses, hyphens are held notes.

             -=-###-=-Mary Had A Little Lamb-=-###-=-

(2)     3212333,222,133,212333322321
        or
        3212333,222,133,3212333322321
        or
(3)     3212333,222,399,3212333322321
>
>                  -=-###-=-Jingle Bells-=-###-=-
>
>(4)     333,333,39123,666-663333322329,333,333,39123,666-6633,399621
>        or
>(3)     333,333,39123,666,6633,3332232,9,333,333,39123,666,66333399621
>
>                 -=-###-=-Frere Jacques-=-###-=-
>
>(4)     1231,1231,369,369,9*9631,9*9631,111,111
>
>                -=-###-=-Olympic Fanfare-=-###-=-
>
>(4)     3-9-91231,2222-32112312,3-9-91231,2222-32112321
>
>              -=-###-=-The Butterfly Song  -=-###-=-
>
>(4)     963,23621,3693236236932362,963,23621
>
>                 -=-###-=-Happy Birthday-=-###-=-
>
>(5)     112,163,112,196,110,8521,008,121
>
>              -=-###-=-Generic Arabian tune-=-###-=-
>
>(1)     453 54 4569564 459 9#95458 8987 453 54
>
==========
Date:         Sun, 8 Aug 1993 17:45:07 -0500
From:         Leo Anderson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      WifeSpeek (some language)

Date sent:  8-AUG-1993 17:43:20

        I know I'm only allowed on post a day, But I'll be out of town
        for awhile, so I'm leaving this for everyone.
>
>
>           "The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife"
>
>     WIFESPEAK                 ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
>     ---------                  ------- ----------
>* You want             <==>    You want
>* We need              <==>    I want
>* It's your decision   <==>    The right decision should be obvious by now
>* Do what you want     <==>    You'll pay for this later
>* We need to talk      <==>    I need to complain
>* Sure,... go ahead    <==>    I don't want you to
>* I'm hungry           <==>    (a) Make me something to eat
>                               (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together
>                                   your last $$, and go drive across town
>                                   and get me something to eat. ... I don't
>                                   care if what you are doing is important.
>* I'm not upset                <==>    Of course I'm upset, you moron
>* You're,... so manly  <==>    You need a shave and you sweat a lot
>* You're certainly     <==>    Is sex all you ever think about?
>  attentive tonight
>* I'm not emotional!   <==>    I'm having my period
>  And I'm not over-
>  reacting!
>* Be romantic, turn    <==>    I have flabby thighs
>  out the lights.
>* This kitchen is so   <==>    I want a new house
>  inconvenient
>* The car is empty     <==>    Go fill it up
>* The trash is full    <==>    Take it out
>* The dog is barking   <==>    Go outside in your underwear and see what is
>                               wrong
>* I want new curtains  <==>    and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
>* I need wedding shoes <==>    the other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white
>* Hang the picture      <==>   NO! I mean hang it there!
>  there
>* I heard a noise      <==>    I noticed you were almost asleep
>* Do you love me?      <==>    I'm going to ask for something expensive
>* How much do you love <==>    I did something today you're really not going
>  me?                          to like
>
>
>In answer to "What's Wrong?"


>
>* Nothing              <==>    Everything
>* Everything           <==>    My PMS is acting up
>* Nothing, really      <==>    It's just that you're such an asshole
>* I don't want to talk  <==>   Go away, I'm still building up steam.
>  about it
>
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 16:49:07 +1000
From:         Julie Ledster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      'BECAUSE WE ARE MEN'  Mildly sexist

Please take the following as intended "for a giggle".

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the Rat
Race, you're a mail chauvinist pig.  If you stay at home and do the
housework, you're a pansy.  If you work too hard, there is never any
time for her and the kids.  If you don't work hard enough, you're a
good for nothing layabout.  If she has a boring repetitive job with
low pay, that is exploitation.  If we have a boring repetitive job
with low pay, we should get off our asses and find something better.

If a man gets a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism, is she
gets a promotion ahead of a man, that is equal opportunity.
If we mention how nice she looks, that is sexual harassment, if we
keep quiet, that is typical male indifference.  If we cry, we're
a shiela (Aust. for girly), if we don't we're an insensitive bastard.
If a man thumps her, that's wife bashing, if she thumps him, that's
self defence. If he makes a decision without consulting her, he's a
chauvinsit, if she makes a decision without regard for his feelings,
then she's a liberated woman.  If he asks her to do something she
doesn't enjoy, that is domination, if she asks him, it's a favour.

If we appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, we're sexaul
perverts, if we don't notice, we're poofters.  If we like a woman
to keep in shape and shave her legs, that is sexist, if we don't
care, that is unromantic.  If we try to keep ourselves in shape,
that is vanity, if we don't we're slobs.
If we buy her flowers, we're after something, if we don't we're
forgetful.  If we are proud of our achievements, we're up ourselves,
if we aren't, we're not ambitious.  If we ask for a cuddle we never
thind of anything else but sex.  If we're totally wacked after a bad
day at the office, we never give a stuff about other people's needs.
If she has a headache, it's because she's tired.  If he has a headache,
it's because he doesn't love her anymore.  If we want it too often,
we're oversexed, if we can't perform on cue, there must be someone
else.


There is one female out here who does consider male feelings.
Julie Ledster.

Sorry, if this is a bit too long, but it's my first contribution
to HUMOR, so I thought I'd make up for the times I haven't sent
anything.
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 08:22:38 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <[e-mail]>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      t-shirt, tennis shoes, and collges jokes

T-shirt

"It's not pretty being Easy."


Tennis shoes

Did you hear about the new tennis shoes?  They are called Dyke (pronounced
like Nike).   Well, they had to be recalled.  The toungues were too short.

College

What's the best thing to come out of Auburn University?
I-85!
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 09:32:06 EDT
From:         Pedro Valdes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      fire engine joke

A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery.  Fire engines from all
around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it
out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning
oil and gas.  Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and
now they all just sat wondering what to do.

Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the
distance.  It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all
night in response to this alarm.  To the amazement of all of the firemen,
the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a
leisurely halt right at the base of the fire.  The men in the tiny truck
leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and
proceeded to extinguish the fire.

The next dat at an awards ceremony for the 6 heoic men of the tiny fire
company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.

"What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of
money?", asked the Governor.

"Well," replied the old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do with
it is fix the brakes on that old truck!" 8-)
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 14:51:10 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Too many sausages (R)

These two beggars( Say Bill & Ted), on the street thought up a
scheme to get free meals. They would buy a sausage(all they could
afford), and go into posh restaurants, and feast. Then, before
they get the bill, Ted would whip out this sausage, and Bill would
suck it, thus horrifying the patrons, and they would be tossed out
without paying.

They went to threee or four restaurants and successfully did this
trick. Then the following ensued:
Bill:   "Lets change roles, since my lips are getting sore"
Ted:    "O.K, just a few more restaurants..."
Bill:   "Well at least lets change the sausage.. Weve been using it
         for the last 4 days, and it tastes a bit sour.."

Ted:    "What sausage?? I chucked it away after the first restaurant!"

:):):):):):)):)::):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)):):):):)

These two naive boys (from Norway, say) were hitch-hiking across Scotland
 and stayed overnight at a farmers house. In the middle of the night,
the farmer's nubile daughter came over to their room and initiated
some sexual play with them. She said, "Wear this, to prevent me from
getting pregnant(condoms)", then fucked them well, and they leftthe
following day.
A couple of months later, and many miles away, the older boy said to
the younger one: "Do you ever think of ... (the daughter)?.
The younger one: "No, not really"
The older one: "I dont want her to get pregnant, but I really want to
                take this thing off.(condom)"
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 11:12:11 EDT
From:         Pat Timpanaro <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumper Sticker

I saw this bumper sticker on a van on the way to work this morning:

So Many Pedestrians...

So Little Time
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 10:40:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Movie theme songs  < PG >

Theme songs for the movie about the guy whose wife cut off his penis (Ouch!!),
which was later reattached (to her relief?!?), follow. These made "the final
cut" in the judging, and THIS IS THE FINAL POST. "Keep it up," HUMORists!  ;->

You've Lost That Loving Feeling  -  Righteous Brothers
Mack the Knife                   -  Sinatra version
Whole Lotta Love                 -  Led Zeppelin
Lord of the Thighs               -  Aerosmith
Big Ten Inch                     -    ditto
Feel Like Making Love            -  Bad Company
One of These Nights              -  Eagles
She Drives Men Crazy             -  ??
Who's Sorry Now                  -  Connie Francis
I Am Woman                       -  Helen Reddy
Beat It                          -  Michael Jackson
Too Hot to Handle                -  Heatwave
A Big Hunk of Love               -  Elvis
Bad to the Bone                  -  George Thorogood
Cuts like a Knife                -  Bryan Adams
The First Cut is the Deepest     -  Rod Stewart
(You Gotta Be) Cruel to Be Kind  -  ??
My Ding-a-Ling                   -  Chuck Berry
Hold Your Head up                -  Argent
Achey Breakey Part <sic>         -  Billy Ray Cyrus
Doctor! Doctor!                  -  Thompson Twins
Great Balls of Fire              -  Jerry Lee Lewis
King of Pain                     -  Police
Lonesome Loser                   -  Little River Band
Method of Modern Love            -  Hall and Oates
The Best of my Love              -  Eagles
It's Hard                        -  The Who
Cutting Edge                     -  ??

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 12:47:05 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More mottos

In the spirit of the previously posted mottos, I offer two that I cannot take
credit for: On a George Carlin album, possibly "A Place For My Stuff!", he
does a game-show spoof where one of the prizes is a weekend in Dover, Delaware.

        "Dover! The City That Means Well."

The other spoof was on Carson a few years ago. This is the time of year when the
(American) TV networks come out with their slogans for the new fall lineup of
shows, like: "CBS--Watch Us Now" or "ABC--You Haven't Seen Anything Yet", etc.
Well, Carson's writers came up with a raft of spoofs, and the only one I
remember well was

        "The Playboy Channel: Because a hand is a terrible thing to waste."

(Note to European subscribers: This line is a take-off on the non-profit
United Negro College Fund's slogan: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste.")

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
Founder and charter member, Maryland Grammar Police (our slogan: "Misplace
that comma and you're booked.")
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 13:31:05 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Idioms <mildly amusing>

*Dyed-in-the-wool*
    This phrase has come to mean genuine, true friend, one who sticks
with you in good or bad times. If wool yarn is dyed before it is woven
into cloth, the dye will penetrate completely, and the color will
last, whereas if the cloth is woven before it is dyed, it will only
color the surface and, as the cloth becomes worn, the color will
disappear.

*Fish or cut bait*
    There is no place for an idle person on fishing boat, so if you
don't have something more useful to do even a child can cut bait for
the others. It's easy to see how this applies in other situations.

*Mealy-mouth*
    This is derivation from a Greek expression meaning "honey-mouth."
It is used to describe a person who uses sweet, honeyed words
hypocritically in order to curry favor with those more popular or
more powerful.
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 13:23:00 -05
From:         Linda Guy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      t-shirts

That's MS. Bitch To You.

51% Sweetheart, 49% Bitch...
Don't Push Me!

C.P.A.
Certified Pain In The Ass

Don't Ask Me!
I've Got 2 Balls But Neither Of Them Are Crystal!

When I woke up this morning I had one nerve left
And now you're getting on it!

I got this T-Shirt for my HUSBAND...
GOOD TRADE, HUH?

==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 13:30:41 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nothing to Do #1

        FUN THINGS TO DO.

        read the obituaries.
        See how many times you can flush the toilet in a
                ten minute period.
        Trace your hand with a pencil.
        Open the screen door and see how far you can run
                before it slams.
        Blow up a paper bag...

==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 19:05:43 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <[e-mail]>
Subject:      New Space Station

CLINTON APPROVES NEW SPACE STATION DESIGN

Washington, August 8 (PETER FUNK PRESS).

      President Clinton announced his choice for the design of the
proposed space station at a photo opportunity in the White House
garden. Surrounded by Jon Luc Picard, DATA, and Mr. Spock, crew
members of the starship Enterprise, Clinton said," The new space
station will enable America to boldly go where no man in his right
mind would go before and to seek out new life and new civilizations
that take traveler's checks and have duty free liquor. Whoopee!"

      Upon completion of the ceremony, Picard, Data, and Spock
accompanied the President into the White House where Spock
practiced the Vulcan mind technique on President Clinton and united
the thoughts of their brains. This gave Spock a severe headache,
and he had to take a half a bottle of aspirin and lay down for an
hour. Later, he said he would never repeat the experience and
compared it to the time he merged minds with a opossum that
graduated high school.

      Months ago Clinton ordered the National Space and Aeronautical
Association (NASA) to reduce the cost of the original design of the
space station and design a new one. The General Accounting Office
estimates the cost of the original space station at somewhere
between 25 billion and the value of King Midas' stock portfolio.
Clinton gave NASA three options: design a primo model space station
costing 15 billion dollars, an economy model costing 7.5 billion
dollars, and an el cheapo model costing $72.95. Clinton selected
the el cheapo $72.95 model.

      Before making the decision, Clinton deliberated over the
design of the space station for several days, consulting with all
his science advisors. He even had a long meeting with Socks, his
daughter Chelsea's cat, which has become his closest advisor since
his drop in approval polls. (These polls show 50% of the American
people don't approve of Clinton's performance, and another 80%
would like to fire a gun at his feet and make him dance.) Clinton
would rather brainstorm with Socks than his science advisors
because when he waves a spoon of cat food in front of Socks the cat
meows his approval at his ideas and jumps into Clinton's lap;
whereas, when he waves cat food at his science advisors, they just
lift their noses and walk out the door.

      Clinton initially wanted to cancel the space station, but
aggressive lobbying from the tourism industry influenced him to
continue the project. The tourist industry supports the space
station because it sees a huge travel market in space, particularly
the moon. It wants to build resort weight loss and exercise clinics
on the moon's surface that would enable their patrons to lose one
sixth of their body weight by doing aerobic exercises such as
drinking beer and eating creme pies.

      NASA says it can meet the President's orders by cutting out
the optional accoutrements of the space station's original design.
It will eliminate such thing as the original station's vaulted
ceilings with skylights, its four car garage, its French provincial
roof, its Italian piazza, the Dutch doors on the vapor lock, the
cyma reversa molding in the boudoirs, the Dresden porcelain in the
dining room, and the pre-Raphelite paintings in the drawing room.

      NASA also will reduce costs through simplifying the
construction of the space station and using available components
from Wal-Mart, True Value hardware stores, and junk yards. For
instance, astronauts will not eat fancy freeze dried food but
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in brown bags and canned
fruitcake. The body of the $72.95 space station will consist of
four fifty-five gallon oil drums welded together. Its computer is
a Texas Instrument solar calculator. A coat hanger sticking out of
the station's nose will serve as the antennae for communications,
and astronauts will carry a backup antennae made out of rolled up
aluminum foil. The space station will have one window: a peephole.
A disposable Kodak camera will enable astronauts to take
photographs of their missions. The station also has no toilet
facilities and astronauts will have to go outside and take a short
spacewalk to relieve themselves.

      In addition, NASA will reduce the scope of the scientific
experiments the astronauts will conduct. On account of the lack of
room in the space station, astronauts will not study such grandiose
things as the manufacture of drugs in space or the magnetic field
of the earth. They will carry out much simpler scientific
experiments. For instance, astronauts will carry out a geological
experiment in which astronauts mix baking soda and vinegar in a
plaster of paris model of a volcano and observe it for a reaction.
NASA will also conduct a biological behavioral experiment in which
astronauts will stick a photograph of an anteater in front an ant
farm while yelling, "Boo!" They will repeat the experiment without
yelling boo and record any changes in the ants' behavior.

      One of the most important experiments of the new space station
will become the search for extra-terrestrial life. If astronauts
see any aliens out of their peephole, President Clinton has given them
instructions to invite the aliens into the space station for some
fruitcake, and ask them if they know about any cool places where
earthlings might like to travel which take travelers' checks and
have duty free liquor.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 10:20:22 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      Airline service

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next
to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start
due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the
pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced
that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the
doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then
asked the minister whether he wanted anything.
He replied - "Oh No! - thank you. I would rather commit
adultery than drink alcohol.
The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to
the air-hostess saying ...
"Madam, - I did not know there was a choice."
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 11:46:40 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Police

While browsing older archives, I found a Beth Woodel's message with the
following line:

Founder and charter member, Maryland Grammar Police (our slogan: "Misplace that
comma and you're booked.")

You may not know, however, that in Lithuania they indeed have Language Police.
That's a fact, not a joke. Language cops can fine a business' owner (or even
give him/her a small jail-time) for putting out signs and adds that contain
grammatically incorect sentences or foreign words. The range of potential
offences is quite wide. And they even can close businesses if they persist
braking language laws. A most recent example: a businessman was charged for
naming his product "ravioli" when there is an original word for Lithuanian
dumplings - "koldunai".

Regards. Saul
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 13:50:29 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bumbstickers

Drive defensively, buy a tank.

I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it.

All the parts falling off this car are of the finest british manufacture.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

So you think I'm a bad driver, you should see me putt.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 14:19:43 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      sign

Sign in an old folk's club:
        If you think the going is easy,
        take another look. You may well be going downhill.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 07:53:34 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nothing to Do #2

        Fun and Constructive Things to Do

        Call for the time.
        Look up some dirty words in the dictionary.
        Try to guess when ten minutes are up.
        Fool around with stuff in an amusing manner.
        List your favorite trees.
        Try to be good looking.
        Time your minute hand.
        Go through your waste paper basket.
        Throw up.
        Get down on all fours and look at the carpet real close.
        Write down your life story in 25 words or less.
        Go hide. . .
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 14:53:48 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Musical Terms dictionary

dictionary of musical terms
---------------------------

JAZZ        :  Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES       :  Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC :  A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA       :  People singing when they should be talking.
RAP         :  People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL   :  Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK        :  Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND    :  20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL :  Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC :  OK as long as it's not the house next door.

==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 10:12:47 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Chinese restaurant name combinator

Some of you have seen the government buzzword combinators that consist of
taking any word in eachof three columns to create a new, cryptic-sounding
government buzzword (e.g. "state-of-the-art strategic initiative" or "inte-
grated systems command....well, you get the idea). I recently observed that
the same rule must be in effect when naming Chinese restaurants in America.
Take any word from Column A and any word from Column B, and voila! You got
a new name for a Chinese restaurant.

        Column A                        Column B
        Chinese                         Lotus
        Szechuan                        Dragon
        Hunan                           Panda
        Golden                          Wind
        Silver                          Moon
        Beijing                         Manor
        Canton                          Dynasty
        Mandarin                        Nightingale
        China                           Pearl
                                        Garden

Try it! It really works!

I have been told some of my "humor" is substandard. I am willing to take the
full hit on this one, 'cause I didn't get it from a magazine, TV show, record,
newspaper article or live performance. I wrote this one all by myself. Criticism
may be directed to the address below.

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 09:30:20 CDT
From:         Paul Franson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Prostitution (may upset Denny's employees)

On NPR's Morning Edition this morning (10 Aug), a commentator was speaking
about the arrest of the "Hollywood Madam" and said:

"No one sets out to be a prostitute.  Prostitution is like having dinner at
Denny's -- it's where you end up when your original plans fall through."


Paul Franson
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 10:57:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Trivia Grab Bag

Here are highlights from Louis Boyd's Grab Bag, a humorous trivia column in
the Santa Cruz Comic News (for more info send private email to [e-mail]).

Said the cynical Samuel Butler:  "It is better to have loved and lost than
never to have lost at all."

Genetically, you only differ from your mother-in-law by 0.1 percent. So why
don't you get along?

All the South Pacific cannibals have been men.

Who specifically makes up the "middle class"? Much debated, that one. One
favored definition:  "Those not poor enough to take charity and not rich
enough to donate."
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 11:12:13 -0400
From:         Suzanne Bury <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Twisted mind

Special to dieters:

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 09:14:52 -0600
From:         Chester Hodges <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Polish Joke and Blonde Joke (may offend polish and blondes)

First the Polish Joke

There are three prisoners about to be executied.  They bring up the first
prisoner to be shot, and ask him if he has any last requests.  He says no so
the General says "Okay.  Ready.... Aim..." and suddenly the prisioner yells
Earthquakek! Everyone looks behind them and the prisoner runs off.  So they
bring up the second prisioner, and ask him if he has any last requests.  He
also says no, so the General says "Okay.  Ready... Aim..." and the prisioner
yells Tornado!  Everyone looks behind them and the prisoner runs off.  So they
bring up the third prisoner, being Polish, realizes what is happening, and when
the General says "Ready... Aim..." the prisioner yells Fire! and gets shot.

Now the Blonde Joke

Three blondes were driving to Anaheim to see the Magic Kingdom.  They saw a
sign that said "Disnyland left".  So they turned around and went home.

Hope you liked 'em!
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 17:39:55 +0100
From:         Dirk-Willem van Gulik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dutch jokes; teasing another (Belgium) minority

Question:
Why does a belgian driver always bring a fork
when he is driving a ca r?

Answer:
To cut the corner...

Dirk-Willem
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 16:56:35 GMT
From:         Bob Lansley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A feathery tale....

DIST

Once upon a time on a cold winters night, a poor frozen sparrow could take no
more of the cold and exhausted dropped out of the sky into the freezing snow.

Soon after, the sparrow at death's door, a passing cow deposited all over him.
Feeling suddenly warm again the sparrow begins to sing, chirping merrily away
at his good fortune. The birdsong unfortunately attracted the attention of a
similarly cold and hungry cat, who scraped all the shit off the bird and
promptly eat it.

The morals of this tale are -

1) When someone shits on you he is not necessarily your enemy.
2) When someone gets you out of the shit he is not necessarily your friend.
3) When you are in the shit, keep your mouth shut.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 10:01:44 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Star Trek Humor

McBorg - Over Half a billion assimulated.
Borger King - you will have it _our_ way.  Special orders are irrevelant.
I'm Homer of Borg.  You will be assim...Oooh Donuts
I'm Zsa Zsa gaBorg.  You will be assimhalated, dahling
We are we, we are we.  Resistance is futility.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 12:27:57 EDT
From:         Music Man <[e-mail]>
Subject:      woman who cut husbands p.... off

I'm sure that everyone has heard about the lady in Manassas, Va. who cut her
husbands penis off.  Well if you didn't, she did!

        A conversation between two lawyers following the trial

ATTY1: It looks like she's going to win this case.
ATTY2: Why do you say that?

ATTY1: Because HIS evidence won't stand up in court!
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 18:57:09 +0100
From:         Dirk-Willem van Gulik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dutch jokes; teasing another (Belgium) minority

Sorry, for those asking questions, this was the joke:

  Question:
  Why does a belgian driver always bring a fork
  when he is driving a ca r?

  Answer:
  To cut the corner...

And indeed, it is a fork rather than a knive, cause you
should really bear in mind that the guy is a belgian....!

Dirk-Willem
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 10:05:18 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.4     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Taken from the Rochester paper:

ROCKFORD,  ILL.  --When  temperatures  plunged to minus  26,  the
Rockford  Register asked its readers to finsh the  sentence,  "It
was so cold that----". Here are some of the responses:

O    Our snowman beged us not to leave him out another night.

O    Even my soft water was hard

O    Even the world leaders couldn't get into a heated arguement

O    When I went out, my shadow froze to the sidewalk

O    You could freeze and egg on the sidewalk

O    I saw a fish jump in the river and the splash froze

O    I had to go up and break the smoke off the chimney

O    The altar boys had to jump-start the candles

O    My false teeth chattered-- and they weren't even in my mouth

O    I  looked  out the window and saw a  cottontail  pushing  a
     jackrabbit to get him started

O    When the police saw a robbery suspect they said 'freeze'--
     and he did

O    The snow is turning blue

O    I put the meat in the freezer to defrost

O    I saw a 32nd degree Mason, and he was down to 15.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

For the definitive observation abt Silicon Valley...

"..John Joss nominates these words from public relations whizard Marty Winston:
'The computer industry is journalists in their 20s standing in awe of entreprene
in their 30s who are hiring salesmen in their 40s and 50s and paying them
in the 60s and 70s to bring their marketing into the 80s.' "

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thursday, 21 March 1985  19:44-EST
From: Joe Pistritto <jcp at BRL-TGR.ARPA>

        Well, there was this cement factory that a company [who shall
remain nameless], I used to work for built an 8080 based distributed
control system for (at the time this was state-of-the-art in process
control).
        The plant crushed boulders into sand before mixing with other
things to make cement.  The conveyors to the rock crusher (and the
crusher itself) were controlled by the 8080s.  A batch of defective MOSTEK
ram chips used in the processor had a habit of dropping bits (no parity
or ECC), causing at one point the 2nd of a series of 3 conveyors to
switch off.  This caused a large pile of boulders (about 6-8 feet in
diameter) to pile up on top of the conveyor (about 80 feet up), eventually
falling off and crushing several cars on the parking lot, and damaging
a building.  We noticed the problem when we couldn't explain the dull
thuds we were hearing in the control room and looked out the window...

        You had to be there...

                                                -JCP-

PS: I became a convert to error correcting memories (which were quite
expensive at the time, this was 1975), immediately.

PPS: Everyone I know in industrial process control has a dozen of these
type stories (all true) to tell.  Its just amazing what happens when you
let computers control BIG things.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 11:48:00 -0600
From:         Chester Hodges <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Polish & Blonde Jokes (may offend Polish & Blondes)

First the Polish Joke

There were three prisioners who where about to be shot.  The first prioner was
about to be shot.  The General asked him if he had any last requests.  The
prisioner said no.  So the General told the troops "Ready.... Aim..." then the
prisioner suddenly yelled "EARTHQUAKE!"  Everyone turned around and the
prisioner escapped.  So they pulled up the second prisioner.  The General asked
him if he had last requests.  The prisioner said no.  So the General orderd the
troops "Ready.... Aim...." and the prisioner suddenly yelled "TORNADO!"
Everyone turned around and the prisioner escapped.  The thrid prisioner,
being polish, when the General said "Ready.... Aim...." yelled "FIRE!" and was
shot.

Now the blonde Joke

Three blonds were on there way to the Magic Kindgom.  They saw a sign that read
"Disneyland Left".  So they turnned around and went home.

Well I thought that it was funny!